Brian Eckert

Published in The Denver Post.

My latest sojourn to City Park has revealed an irrefutable point: Canada Geese are foul creatures that have defiled the sanctity of one of Denver’s finest commons.

I had to walk with my eyes to the ground, in constant fear of stepping in goose droppings. Even still, by the end of my walk my boots were caked in them. In addition, the birds constant honking is noise pollution. The entire grounds were inundated with their off-beat braying, not allowing me a moment of peace. At times a great flock of them took flight, flapping, calling, and defecating. As the warm, green feces fell waywardly, honest, hard-working citizens like myself were forced to dive for cover.

A sign at the park’s civil rights memorial reads: Quiet respect, please. While obeying the request, my tacit reverence was disturbed  by  honking and the “plat” of droppings on the stone, which just so happened to land square on an imprint of the Liberty Bell. As if these birds weren’t causing enough problems, they’re unpatriotic to boot! Shaking my fist at the assailants I gave chase and watched them fly North, hopefully all the way back to Canada, where such acts against humanity are tolerated.

The birds must be kept from flocking in Denver’s fine green spaces. The city would be wise to address the Canada Goose in forthcoming immigration policy. Not only is it a matter of national security, but these foreign-born birds occupy and squander resources that should rightly go to American species. Stationing small numbers of ground forces at the park will help to keep the problem at bay until a  permanent solution can be reached. A more cost effective fix would be to release a slew of pythons on the city to rid us of the geese. Once that is taken care of, the city can introduce a weasel- type mammal to eat the snakes. Finally, a primate will be used to take care of the weasel problem. The primates will simply die off in the winter.

I admit that I will miss chasing and/or kicking one of the boisterous birds, but it’s a small sacrifice for being able to enjoy an afternoon in the park without obnoxious honking and feces everywhere I step. If I were interested in that, I’d go to a fraternity party.

Best,

Brian J. Eckert